The Hangover
by show-me-your-tardis
Summary: When Sirius, James and Peter wake up after a Stag Do, they think their headaches are the only consequence. Until they realise they're one man down. With no recollection of what happened last night, the three of them must use the few brain cells they have left to find their friend. (Loosely based on the movie The Hangover)
1. Where Everything Went Wrong

**The Hangover**

A/N [show-me-your-tardis]

**Plot – When Sirius, James and Peter wake up after a Stag Do, they think their headaches are the only consequence. Until they realise they're one man down. With no recollection of what happened last night, the three of them must use the few brain cells they have left to find their friend. **

* * *

><p>Chapter One<p>

* * *

><p><span><strong>Then<strong>

Sirius stood on the sofa, champagne threatening to spill out of his tilted glass. He steadied himself using the wall, and cleared his throat. When no one turned to look at him, he tapped his wand on the glass, sending a tinkling sound through the room. Three people turned to look at him, and promptly rolled their eyes.

"Gentlemen and... uh... ladies." Sirius added, with a lopsided grin at Peter, "I'd like to make a toast."

Ignoring the bunched up napkin launched his way, Sirius continued loudly, "Everyone raise your glass to the man of the hour, the stag of the Stag Do, James "Prongs" Potter! A man so bigheaded, it's truly amazing he can find t-shirts that fit."

A seat cushion was launched across the room, knocking Sirius's champagne glass from his hand and effectively cutting off his speech. He wiped his wet hand across his t-shirt and sat back down on the sofa, flashing a smile at James.

"Stop being a dick." James laughed. His glasses were pushed into his hair, making it stick out way more than it already did. He kicked off his shoes and stretched his legs across the sofa, scratching his nose with his wand.

Nearby on the floor, a slice of pizza in each hand, sat Peter – looking more rat-like than ever as he nibbled on the end of his pizza. His eyes were slightly bleary and he seemed completely oblivious to the fact that he was topless.

Sirius lay down on the couch. He stretched his hand over the edge and ran his fingers through Remus's light brown hair. Remus turned his head slightly to smile at Sirius. He leant forward, snatching the only remaining pizza box away from Peter. As Remus bit into the last slice of pizza, Sirius leaned over the edge of his sofa and stole his champagne glass.

He downed the bubbly liquid in one mouthful, just as Remus turned around. Sirius smiled and Remus's face darkened into a glare, his eyes narrowing on the glass, "Is that my drink?"

"I don't know about is, but it probably _was_." Sirius shrugged.

Remus turned away from Sirius with a sigh and announced, "We're out of alcohol."

James picked up the champagne glass next to him and held it over his mouth. When no liquid dropped out he chucked it away, the no shattering charm on the bottle was the only thing that saved Peter from being showered in glass. Sirius jumped up, the room gave a sickening lurch.

He steadied himself, and placed his hands on his hips, "Have no fear, the best man is here."

Remus groaned at the rhyme and dragged himself up onto the couch Sirius had just vacated. Sirius ignored him and ran off into the kitchen. After a few minutes of drunkenly rummaging through the Potters's fridge, he found what he'd hidden there.

Throwing the lounge door open with a bang, he held up the bottle triumphantly. When the cheers and shouts he'd expected never came, he explained, "Firewhiskey. Russian imported. I will take your thanks in the form of galleons."

"Russian Firewhiskey?" James asked, his interest piqued.

"Since you're losing your freedom tomorrow, you can have the first glass." Sirius promised, grabbing James's empty champagne glass and pouring a liberal amount of honey coloured liquid into it. He ignored the glare James threw at him, and offered the glass to him. "Come on, Prongs, you know you want to." He sang.

James took the glass and downed it in one. Laughter filled the room when he grimaced and retched. He choked and gripped Sirius's shoulder, his fingernails digging in, "That is... Merlin's sweaty balls, that's awful."

"Ready for round two?" Sirius asked, shaking the bottle. James eyed the sloshing liquid wearily, but held out his glass anyway. With barely concealed glee, Sirius ran around the room filling Peter and Remus's glasses and then his own. He held his glass up high, "To Prongs."

"To Prongs." Peter and Remus echoed, before all four of The Marauders downed their new firewhiskey.

It burned it's way down Sirius's throat. It was worse, so much worse, than the firewhiskey they got from Hogsmeade. It was actual fire inside Sirius and his throat was in shreds. It threatened to steal his voice and burn his body from the inside out. Still, he managed to maintain his cool demeaner, even as his eyes watered excessively. Eventually the fire settled and a glow of warmth spread right to his toes.

He glanced over at Remus, who was coughing and spluttering.

"Come on, Moony, that's not the worst thing you've ever swallowed." Sirius said lasciviously. Three groans of disgust followed, and he laughed, ducking his head to dodge the glass thrown at him.


	2. As Sick As A Dog

**Now**

_I'm dead. _

_This is what death feels like. _

_Oh fuck. I'm dead and this is the afterlife. _

_So this is how the glorious and sexy Sirius Black dies – firewhiskey and Prongs's stag do. _

_Can't say I didn't see it coming. _

With a long groan, Sirius forced his eyes open. The afterlife looked a lot like the bottom of Prongs's dining table. He only knew it was James's by the four nicknames that had been scratched into the wood a year ago. The floor was cold and hard beneath him, and there was something tight wrapped around his neck. He took in a gasping breath and grabbed whatever it was that was trying to choke him. His fingers found something rough and buckled. Ignoring the ache in his arms as he moved, he struggled to get it undone.

The tightness disappeared and he coughed. He pulled the thing away from him. A dog collar. A _pink_ dog collar, with sparkling gems on it depicting the words "Best Man". He glared at it. Using what little strength he had left, he launched it across the room. It smacked into the kitchen counter and bounced to the floor lamely.

Another groan escaped Sirius's throat as he rolled to the side, the room continued to roll long after he was still. He crawled out from under the table like an animal – catching sight of the mud and scratches that adorned his entire body. His clothes were caked in dirt, and it was under his fingernails. Scratches and cuts crisscrossed his hands and arms, he looked like he'd been in a fight with an angry hippogriff. Considering the emptiness that was his memory of last night, it was entirely within the realms of possibility.

His entire body screamed and protested as he used the counter to drag himself to his feet. His legs shook but managed to hold his weight. The room was a tip, filled with pizza boxes and mud. Lily's favourite vase lay in a broken heap on the floor, and Sirius made a mental note to fix that before she came home.

Already out of breath, he turned on the tap and ducked his head underneath it. The cold water woke him up as it splashed across his face, and he drank from it like he hadn't had a drink in years. His mouth felt stuffed with cotton wool, but after a few gulps he started to feel slightly better. Not good, but better.

This was the worst hangover he'd ever had, his entire body was broken. Maybe he'd done a Professor Binns and had actually died without realising. A quick glance under the table told him that he hadn't left his body behind.

The sun was bright in his eyes, and he squeezed them shut with a groan. Groaning was possibly the only thing he could do now, maybe he'd lost his voice along with his memory last night...

He turned around and leant against the kitchen counter. The door to the lounge was miles away. His legs wouldn't make it. He'd die before he got there. Had James's kitchen always been this big?

Sirius tipped forward, stumbling on his feet, towards the door. He tripped. Thankfully, the wall was there to catch him. A deep throbbing started in his head, from where he'd hit the off-white coloured wall. The hangover headache he'd already had increased. His brain felt too big for his skull, or his skull too small for his brain. His vision blurred slightly but he somehow made it to the lounge, not entirely sure how much time it had taken him.

Leaning on the doorframe like it was the only stable structure in a hurricane, Sirius surveyed the room with his ever-shrinking tunnel vision.

On a pile of crisp packets, looking like death warmed up, was Peter. His left eye was shadowed in a dark bruise. A pool of drool dripped steadily from his mouth. James was nearby, sprawled on the sofa, broken glasses on his face. Like Sirius, the two of them were covered in mud and scratches.

With his vision finally back to normal, Sirius kicked Peter awake, shook James slightly, and collapsed onto the other sofa, watching the two of them rouse from sleep. Groaning filled the room. Sirius was about thirty percent certain the three of them were now zombies.

Staring blankly at the ceiling, Peter asked the question on everyone's mind, "What the fuck?"

"You said it." Sirius murmured, shutting his eyes.

"No seriously, what the fuck?" James asked, his voice hoarse and raspy.

Sirius opened his eyes again and shrugged at James. He was in no position to explain last night's events. He couldn't remember a thing. There was the taste of russian firewhiskey, and then nothing until he woke up this morning. Peter sat up and James sniggered, "What happened to your face?"

"What do you mean?" Peter asked, forcing himself to his feet. Sirius stifled a laugh as Peter stumbled towards the mirror. He caught sight of his reflection and his face twisted into horror, making the black eye look even more disgusting. He pressed a finger to his tender skin and winced, "What the fuck is that! Fucking shit! How did that happen? What the actual fuck?"

Sirius and James couldn't hold in their laughter anymore. Even though his head ached and his stomach twisted sickenly, Sirius couldn't stop laughing at the uncontrolled horror on Peter's face. Once the two of them had settled down, Peter sat back down with an audible thud. James held his arms above his head and inspected the scars that ran along his arms, "Lily is going to kill me."

"Oh! James said Lily, everyone drink!" Sirius mocked. James threw an angry look at Sirius, yanking a champagne glass out from underneath him.

"Aguamenti." He muttered, a spout of water shooting from his wand. He drank desperately from the glass and when it was empty, he refilled it. After his fourth drink, some colour finally returned to his cheeks. James refilled the glass once more and offered it to Peter, who grabbed the glass thankfully.

Sirius stretched out on the sofa, feeling the ache in his joints subside slightly. He still felt broken and hurt, but it was leaving slowly. After a shower and another eight glasses of water, he'd probably feel human again. Not that he was in any rush to do either of those things, since they both required energy Sirius just didn't have. Instead he folded his arms across his chest, and shut his eyes, hoping to catch up on some of the sleep he'd missed last night.

Seconds after his eyes closed, James yelped. Sirius shot upright. His back protested at the sudden movement and Sirius turned to glare angrily at his friend. His glare dissolved into a confused look when he saw James, sucking on his finger and looking frightened.

"Uh, Prongs?" Peter asked, looking as confused as Sirius.

James pulled his finger out of his mouth, and reached back into his pants pocket tentatively. Sirius felt his eyebrows shoot up his head when James pulled a bowtruckle from his pocket. The bowtruckle looked furious at being evicted, and latched its mouth onto James's finger. He yelped again and jerked his arm. The tiny creature was launched across the room, where it smashed into the clock that had been on the wall. The two fell to the ground, the clock showing the time to be ten a.m.

Ten seconds later the bowtruckle jumped upright and made a dash towards the kitchen. Despite the alcohol that had probably slowed his reaction time, James managed to immobilise the thing before it escaped. It froze, and the three of them stared at it nervously.

"Where did we get a bowtruckle from?" James asked, keeping his wand raised in case it found a way to free itself. The bowtruckle was tiny and probably only a baby.

"No idea..." Sirius muttered, looking at the tree creature.

"Uh guys?" Peter asked, looking anxiously around the room, "Where's my wand?"

James rolled his eyes at Sirius, and smirked, "You're always losing that thing."

Sirius grabbed his own wand from his pocket. He pulled a piece of grass off it and flicked it to the floor. He sat up and aimed his wand into the room, "Accio Peter's wand." When no wand came flying towards Sirius, he shrugged, "Not here, I gotta go pee."

He jumped to his feet and wandered towards the door. Some stability was returning to his legs, enough so that he didn't stumble and fall as he walked. He stepped around the bowtruckle nervously. Just as he pulled the door open, he heard Peter mutter, "Thanks for your help, Sirius."

Sirius winked at Peter over his shoulder and walked up the stairs. He had to clutch the bannister to pull himself up, and then use the wall to actually get to the bathroom. After relieving himself, he admired his reflection in the mirror. More scars and mud covered his face. He had enough scars on his face to rival Moony.

_Wait... Moony. _

_Where the fuck is Moony? _

He pushed himself back into the corridor and headed towards James and Lily's bedroom.

"Moony? Where the fuck are you?" He sang, pushing the door open. There was nobody lay on the bed. A small bubble of panic formed in his chest, but he ignored it. There was no way Remus was missing. He poked his head under the bed, ignoring the dizziness that filled his head when he bent over, "Are we passed out drunk somewhere, Moony? Can't handle our liquor, ay?"

No one was under the bed either.

Or in the wardrobe. Or anywhere in the room for that matter. Sirius stumbled back from the room, the small bubble of panic had grown to the size of a golfball. He ran down the stairs, sounding like a herd of trolls, and burst into the lounge.

"Moony, where the fuck are you!" Sirius shouted, looking into the fireplace. He checked behind the couches, and on the windowsill, and even the tiny space under the couches (because you never know what might have happened, maybe they'd accidentally shrunk him somehow). But beyond the bowtruckle and three quarters of The Marauders, there was no one to be found.

"Moony's gone?" James asked, anxiety running through his words.

"REMUS LUPIN!" Sirius shouted, ignoring the panic inside his chest, "IF YOU DON'T COME OUT NOW, NO SEX FOR A YEAR!"

No reply came. No person appeared, laughing at the panic on their faces. Nothing.

James and Peter stood up slowly, wide-eyed and fearful.

"Are you telling me, we lost one of my groomsmen the day before my wedding?" James asked, looking at Sirius through his cracked glasses.

"No," Sirius corrected, "I'm telling you, we lost my boyfriend!"

Peter stepped towards both of them, looking like he was about to be sick, "No, no, guys. We lost a werewolf two days before the full moon..."


	3. It's Never As Bad As You Think

"Are you really suggesting Moony will still be missing in _two days?_" Sirius asked hysterically. He could hardly breathe. Remus could be anywhere, he could be... Sirius couldn't even think the word. The idea of Remus being injured was bad enough, but to think he might be... unalive somewhere. No way.

_Absolutely not. _

James yanked his glasses off his head and fixed them quickly. Before putting them back on, he rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand. Once his glasses were replaced, he took a calming breath, and said, "No. We'll find him. He can't have got far. We started in this house and we're all still here."

"Have you tried the garden?" Peter offered hopefully. Sirius glanced at the mud on everyone's clothes.

He sprinted out of the lounge, through the kitchen and into the garden. The crisp morning air filled his lungs and he felt sober at last. The sun was warm against his skin, the grass was soft beneath his bare feet and birds sang in the trees nearby. But Sirius wasn't in the state of mind to enjoy any of it. He felt sick to his stomach as he ran around the garden. Desperately hoping to find a very drunk, very confused Moony hidden amongst the flower beds.

Before he'd even had chance to check half the garden, he knew it was useless. There was no one in the garden beyond himself and the gnome watching him intently from behind a bush. The ground was dry, and there was no mud anywhere to be seen. They couldn't possibly have gotten their mud stains from here.

He traipsed back inside, his eyes fixed on the ground. In the kitchen, James and Peter sat at the table over steaming coffee. Sirius joined them, glaring at the cup offered to him. James put the cup down in front of Sirius when he refused to take it. Angrily, Sirius asked, "How is this helping us find him?"

"Let's look in our pockets. There must be something that can help." James offered, placing his coffee cup down.

It was better than any idea Sirius could come up with. So, still ignoring his coffee, he stuck a hand into his pocket and pulled everything out. He dropped a crumpled receipt onto the table and eagerly unfolded it, hoping to Merlin that it would reveal Moony's whereabouts. Sirius scanned the small printed text on the receipt and gasped, _Two Hundred Galleons?_

"Two hundred galleons?" Peter echoed Sirius's thoughts, leaning over his shoulder, "How did you spend two _hundred _galleons in _Honeydukes?_"

"Ah shit." Sirius muttered, running a hand across his face, "Moony is going to kill me."

"I think two hundred galleons is nothing, compared to the fact that he's missing!" James pointed out.

"Oh... Yeah..." Sirius said, crumpling the reciept once more. Reaching a hand into his other pocket, he pulled out a pack of mint gum and a half eaten sugar quill. He put the gum back into his pocket and picked some lint off the quill. James looked away disgustedly as Sirius stuck the quill back in his mouth.

James followed Sirius's lead and reached into his own pocket. He found a broken shard of their two way mirror; the other half now kept with Lily instead of Sirius. James quickly covered the shard with a dish towel and muttered a "just in case.". Reaching into the pocket that had once contained a bowtruckle, he found a pile of mud and dumped it onto the kitchen table.

Peter dropped a few crisps, some chocolate frogs – which eagerly hopped to freedom, and a coaster from The Three Broomsticks onto the table. The three of them stared at the contents of their pockets, now spread across the table.

"Well that was helpful." Sirius said sarcastically, running his left hand through his hair and over his face.

Suddenly James launched across the table, seizing Sirius's hand. Sirius attempted to pull his hand free of James's vice-like grip but he held on tighter, as he asked, "Is that a wedding ring?"

Sirius observed the thin band of silver on his ring finger. How had he not noticed that this morning?

He chuckled, and freed his hand from James, "Sorry, must be yours."

James's eyes were wide as he stared at the ring. Sirius rolled his eyes, Prongs was so dramatic. It was just his wedding ring, Sirius had probably put it on to imitate James last night. He went to pull it off and apologise to James for desecrating his wedding or something stupid like that, when James whispered, "That's not mine."

Sirius laughed and rolled his eyes, James was clearly suffering from severe amnesia. He waved his hand in front of James's face, the silver metal catching the sunlight, "Of course it's yours, it's not _mine._"

"Sirius." James said slowly, quietly, "That's not mine. Mine's gold."

Sirius laughed and opened his mouth to reply. Before he could, the weight of James's words finally sunk in. His mouth shut and his eyes widened. His heart sped up as he leapt back from the table, his chair falling to the ground behind him, "DID I GET MARRIED!"

James and Peter stared silently at Sirius. Their looks of confusion mirroring Sirius's own. He stared at the band around his finger which suddenly felt so much tighter – like it was cutting off his circulation. He looked up at James and Peter. Waited for one of them to come up with some kind of explanation, to tell him it wasn't what it seemed it was just... just... a prop or something. It did not, absolutely not, mean that Sirius was married.

But neither of them said anything. They just remained sat down, watching Sirius fearfully, like he was about to have a breakdown. Which was very possible, judging by the panicked rambling spewing from his mouth, "I can't be married, because Sirius Black does not get married, he does not settle down at nineteen years of age!" He could hear himself being hysterical, but he couldn't calm down. This was easily the worst thing he'd ever done when drunk. It beat that time he'd been punched by a goblin by miles. He ran a hand through his hair again, "Sirius Black does not get drunken married!"

James cleared his throat and said, "If Moony were here, I'm sure he'd point out that that is exactly what Sirius Black would do."

_Oh fuck, Moony. _

He hadn't even thought about him. Had he drunkenly married Remus last night? Was he now in a fully fledged in-it-until-the-end relationship?

Or, and it was almost painful to think about, had he married someone else?

Some random girl or guy he'd stumbled upon in their travels and somehow married them... Was that why Remus had ran off?

"We need to find him." Sirius choked out, his throat abnormally tight.

"Well," James began, finally looking away from Sirius and back towards the table, "Hogsmeade seems a good place to start."

Sirius took a deep breath, shoving all of the marriage panic down. He had to calm down or he'd never find Remus. He just needed to forget about the ring for now, he could tackle that later. After a few calming breaths, during which Peter and James watched him nervously, he felt slightly better. Sirius, his heartbeat back to normal (or as close as it would get until he found Lupin), looked at the mud on his skin and announced, "But first a shower."

Sirius was halfway up the stairs before James and Peter had stood up, scraping their chairs noisily against the floor. He ran as fast as he could, slamming the bathroom door shut before either of them could catch him. James banged furiously on the door, "This is my house, you tosser. You know the rules!"

"Dorm rules." Sirius called back, peeling his filthy clothes off his skin. He let James's banging and shouting fade into background noise and climbed into the hot water. It stung and prickled at his scratches, but the heat started to make him feel a little better.

He found James's shower gel and squeezed a liberal amount between his hands. As he was scraping off the mud caked to his arms, he unearthed a few darkening bruises. The idea of Sirius fighting some magical creature last night was looking more and more likely.

It took a lot of scrubbing to get all the mud off and three lots of shampoo to get it out his hair, but once he was done he felt alive and less like a zombie. Zombies didn't smell like lemon shower gel.

Reluctantly, he dragged himself out of the shower and rubbed a towel across himself, careful not to irritate any of his cuts. He kicked his dirty clothes into one corner and wrapped the towel around his waist. He hooked his wand behind one ear and opened the bathroom door. James glared at him furiously and Sirius mockingly held his hand out towards the bathroom, "All yours."

"Dick." James muttered before slamming the door behind him. Peter was sat cross legged on the floor and Sirius stepped past, careful not to touch him and get himself covered in mud again.

He walked into James's room and after a bit of rooting, found a hoodie and a pair of jeans that looked like they'd fit him. He pulled them on, and chucked the wet towel into James's laundry basket. He caught sight of the silver ring on his finger. He briefly thought about ripping it off and throwing it out the window.

He couldn't.

He didn't know why.

Water dripped from his hair as he headed downstairs, and back into the lounge. The bowtruckle liberated from James's pocket was still frozen in the room. Sirius took pity on the poor thing and freed it with his wand.

It didn't make a run for it, instead it surveyed Sirius interestedly. Sirius bent down in front of it and when it didn't attempt to attack him in anyway, he picked it up. As soon as it was in Sirius's hand, it ran along his arm and clambered onto his shoulder, as though it had done it a thousand times.

"Guess I know who found you last night." Sirius muttered to the bowtruckle sat on his shoulder. He glanced to the side, looking at the creature out the corner of his eye, "I'll call you Woody."

The bowtruckle held Sirius's wet hair for safety as Sirius stood back up. He wandered into the kitchen. He hadn't checked the kitchen properly for Remus, having been too preoccupied by the chance that he might be injured somewhere on a dirt road. Now Sirius was showered, slightly calmer, and with his new bowtruckle friend, he felt up to a proper search.

He spotted the cupboard under the stairs, and made his way towards it.

"Bet he's in here, Woody. In fact, I bet you one hundred galleons he's in here." Sirius said, grinning. He could picture it now, a slightly drunk Remus looking for the lounge door and instead finding the cupboard door. Even drunk, he wouldn't want to come back out and tell Sirius he was wrong, so he'd just sleep in the cupboard.

It made complete sense. After all, Sirius had woken up under the kitchen table, no doubt having hidden there to catch Remus when he left, and shout "Ha-ha! You're an idiot!". Only they'd both ended up falling asleep before anything could happen. Sirius laughed to himself and opened the door.

Remus was there, still asleep. Unlike the other three quarters of The Marauders, Remus's skin wasn't covered in any fresh scratches or mud. Of course, he'd probably stood to the side shaking his head as the others did whatever it was that had damaged them so much.

Sirius rolled his eyes and bent down, Woody wobbled slightly but remained on his shoulder. It was when Sirius was reaching for Remus's shoulder that he spotted the blood. The blood all over his clothes. Too much blood to be a small cut...

He was pale. So pale.

So much paler than usual.

A scream echoed through the house and Sirius collapsed backwards, scrambling away from the body in the cupboard.


	4. The Sweet and The Bitter

Peter and James came barrelling down the stairs. Sirius had stopped screaming but he couldn't drag his eyes away from Remus. He was dead. Sirius was going to throw up. He was going to pass out. He was panicking, suffocating from the tightness in his chest. He was having a heart attack, or an anxiety attack, or some form of attack.

James ran to Sirius, hand holding the towel around his waist. Shampoo ran through his hair, shaped into a mohawk. He stood behind Sirius, took one look at the person – _body – _in the cupboard, and clutched at the counter to keep himself upright. Sirius couldn't bring himself to look away from Remus to James, but he guessed from the sounds, James was retching.

Remus's body sat there, leaning against the wall. He was facing them with his eyes shut tight. He looked pale but his hair and clothes were neat. Despite the blood there were no marks on his body. How long had he been here?

_How had any of this happened? _

Sirius was shaking. He was freezing cold, and he couldn't drag his eyes away from his boyfriend. No way was this possible. No way was any of this happening. Oh fuck, he was going to collapse, he couldn't think or breathe or move, he just stared, horrified.

Peter ran forward too then, desperate to see what was so horrific to have his friends acting like this. He almost barrelled into Sirius in his rush. But then a strange thing happened. As soon as he stepped between Sirius and the cupboard, the form of Remus's body shifted, moving like it was made of smoke. Sirius wasn't sure he was awake, this had to be a dream.

The smokey figure moved impossibly. Then before three pairs of eyes, the body of Remus Lupin became a giant tabby cat; the size of the cupboard door, which protracted it's claws menacingly. Peter stumbled backwards, almost stepping on Sirius. James suddenly kicked into gear, he snatched Sirius's wand from behind his ear and shouted, "Riddikulus!"

The cat transformed into a giant teddy bear. Unsurprisingly none of them felt like laughing, and Peter just shut the door on the boggart, hiding it from sight. He leaned back on the door, panting heavily.

Silence filled the room. Sirius swallowed a lump in his throat, the image of Remus was seared permanently into his brain. He vowed to keep his eyes open for the remainder of his life, to prevent ever having to relive that image.

After a long, dragging silence, James cleared his throat, "Just a boggart."

Sirius pressed his fists into his eyes, until sparks of light danced across his eyelids. When he reopened his eyes, James had moved to face him. Both him and Peter were once again back to their wide eyed and fearful looks. Sirius dragged himself shakily to his feet, his knees threatening to buckle beneath him, "What are you waiting for! Get showered so we can find him!" He ordered, looking away from them.

* * *

><p>Apparating was not good for a hangover, Sirius decided. He bent over the bin and threw up the contents of his stomach, which was mostly empty. James patted him on the back and Sirius distantly heard the sound of Peter throwing up as well. Woody was scrambling through his hair, and it wasn't helping Sirius feel any less dizzy. He could still see the image of the boggart, and he suspected that was partly responsible for the vomiting.<p>

After several minutes, he composed himself enough to stand up. He wiped his mouth on James's hoodie sleeve, and popped a piece of gum into his mouth. He'd brought the gum with him since he'd spent two hundred galleons in Honeydukes, he might as well use his purchase. He offered a piece to Peter who still looked a little green around the edges.

"Where should we start?" Peter asked, taking a piece of gum and chucking it into his mouth.

"Honeydukes." James said, pointing to the closest building.

Sirius lead the way, tucking Woody into his hoodie pocket for safety. As soon as the door shut behind them, the owner of Honeydukes – Carma Flume – ran over to them. She pointed a sugar quill angrily at Sirius, and said, "I told you! No refunds, Black."

Sirius held up his hands in surrender, "No refunds, I get it. Can you at least tell me what I bought?"

Carma looked sternly between the three boys, before bursting into laughter. Her voice was sweet and her laugh brought a smile to each of their faces. Wiping a tear from her eye, she explained, "You only bought four of everything in the shop!"

Sirius rubbed a hand over his face. Yeah, if he ever found Remus, their reunion would be short lived. Remus would probably strangle him with his bare hands when he found out how much money he'd spent. And on something so useless, even after Moony's whole be-responsible-with-your-money lecture. Not only had he spent that much money on so much useless crap, he'd lost it soon after. There was certainly not four of every sweet in James's house, so where on earth were his sweets?

He heard James laughing and glared at him. Peter dragged his eyes away from the sugar mice near him and asked, "When we came in last night, was it just the three of us?"

Carma looked thoughtful for a second, before waving the sugar quill to encompass all of them, "No, there was a fourth. What's his name... Lupin! Yeah, Lupin, with the scars." She gestured to her face.

Sirius bit back the offended comment on his lips, and nodded. They all said their goodbyes and wandered out of the shop. Once outside, they turned to face each other. Woody poked his head out from Sirius's pocket and James wrinkled his brows together. Before he could say anything about the bowtruckle Sirius had adopted, Peter said, "So we had Moony with us in there."

"Which begs the question, why the fuck didn't he stop me wasting my money!" Sirius asked grumpily, glaring at the door to Honeydukes.

James laughed loudly and clapped a hand to Sirius's shoulder, "I don't doubt he tried."

Sirius had to agree with that, there wasn't enough alcohol in the world to stop Remus from shouting at Sirius. Apparently, not even russian imported alcohol could stop him.

"So where next?" Peter asked, kicking at the ground.

Sirius glanced around them, his eyes landed on the welcoming inn nearby. Peter and James followed his gaze and groaned. James pulled a face, "Ugh, I don't think alcohol can solve this mess."

Sirius rolled his eyes at him, "Not for alcohol." Peter looked at him doubtfully, and James raised one eyebrow. Sirius conceded, "Okay, for a little alcohol. You know, hair of the dog and all that. But also, because of the coaster Wormtail found in his pocket."

He lead the way, knowing they'd follow him.

He pushed open the door and walked into the warm, smokey room. It was full as usual and smelt a bit like butterbeer. Sirius wandered towards the bar and glanced at the clock hung on the wall. Half eleven – it had been an hour and a half since James had discovered the bowtruckle in his pocket, and they'd still not found Moony.

Sirius drummed his fingers on the bar while Madam Rosmerta served a group of Slytherins. From how nervous they looked, they'd snuck out of the school somehow. They didn't seem old enough to be drinking the firewhiskey Rose poured for them, but he didn't doubt her judgement. Merlin knows he'd been on the receiving end of a few underage firewhiskeys in his time.

James and Peter stood nearby, looking blankly at the bar. They were probably thinking the same thing Sirius was – Remus wasn't here. He didn't know what he'd expected. Maybe for Remus to jump from his seat and shout "I'm over here you tossers, don't you remember leaving me here?" But, of course, he didn't. He was still missing. Lost in wherever the hell he was. Sirius felt his stomach flip, he was probably so scared and alone.

Lost in his own thoughts, Sirius barely noticed Madam Rosmerta approach them, "Well, if it isn't my favourite boys! See you've sobered up a bit." She laughed, nudging James across the bar. She turned to face Sirius then, "Sirius stop that infernal tapping, it's driving me mad, it is."

"Sorry Rose." Sirius said guiltily, keeping his fingers still.

She smiled warmly at him. "Now where's your boyfriend? You two do make a lovely couple. Although, I don't know what he sees in you, that Lupin's always been better than you, Black." She joked.

Sirius laughed nervously. He scratched the back of his neck, feeling Woody move in his pocket. Pushing down the horrific images of Remus in his mind, Sirius joked, "He's more rebellious than he looks."

"No, I think you're just a bad influence." Rose laughed, wiping the bar down with her cloth, "Especially when he's drunk, you very almost convinced him to streak through Hogsmeade. Good thing I was here to stop him, or you'd be cursed into next week."

James perked up, "So he was with us last night?"

Rose pulled out three glasses and set them on the bar, "Course he was. Didn't know you four were capable of going your separate ways." She filled each glass with butterbeer, and Sirius felt his stomach twist at the thought of the sweet liquid. Maybe coming into a bar when they're all this hungover was a bad idea.

She offered the three glasses to each of them and James held out his hand, "No, thanks."

"No I owe you. Especially after what happened with Snape." She said, pushing the glasses towards them.

"Snape?" Peter asked, the three of them looking equally confused.

Rose drew her brows together and pinned them all with a serious look. They'd been on the receiving end of this look so many times; usually when trying to liberate a few bottles of firewhiskey from under the cloak. She had some strange ability to know exactly when they were trying to steal from her. She put one hand on her hip and said, "You four really were out of your faces, weren't you?"

The three of them nodded mutely. She shook her head disapprovingly, but there was a hint of amusement on her face. The Marauders were her favourite customers, even if she'd deny it to anyone who asked – especially The Marauders themselves.

"Well you came in here, saying something about old times." She waved a hand dismissively. Sirius nodded, hoping she might reveal what happened to Remus. He sipped at his butterbeer and held off his grimace. Drinking alcohol to cure a hangover – not the best idea he'd ever thought of. She lowered her voice conspiratorally, "Anyway, Snape and his cronies come in – you know that lot he's got with now? Awful lot, and it's a shame 'cause he had such potential."

She faced James, "He rounds on you. Because you're marrying Lily Evans – lovely girl by the way, congratulations!"

James smiled proudly, "Thanks."

"Him and his mates start getting rowdy, you four are just ignoring 'em. But next thing I know, Peter here is lying on the ground, bruising around the eye-"

"That explains that." Sirius interrupted, nudging Peter.

"-So you two." She continued, pointing to Sirius and James, "Get the group under control and kick 'em out. Lucky really, 'cause you were nicer than I would have been."

"Nice to Snape?" James said, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead, "That doesn't sound like us."

Rose gave them a wry look, "I said _nicer _not _nice._" She winked at them before walking off to serve a witch in magenta robes.


	5. Slugs and Slime

James's butterbeer remained untouched, Peter was absentmindedly swirling a finger through his, and a small bowtruckle was dipping it's face into Sirius's. James eyed the creature wearily when it wiped it's mouth on Sirius's sleeve.

"Why are you carrying that thing around with you?" He asked, as Woody clambered up Sirius's arm.

Sirius gasped. He pressed a hand to his heart mockingly and in a stung voice, he said, "How dare you! Woody is not a _thing. _He is a bowtruckle who will help us find Moony." He turned to the creature on his shoulder and cooed, "Won't you, Woody?"

The woodland creature just stared blankly back at him. Sirius took that to mean _"Yes, Sirius, I will find him." _He nodded to himself.

Offering his glass back up to his pet, he heard Peter lean towards James and whisper, "Has Sirius finally lost it?"

Sirius glared at the two of them as they sniggered. Rolling his eyes and pointedly ignoring them, he glanced back down at the ring on his finger. Twisting the ring around, he watched the candlelight glint off it. He'd gotten used to it on his finger and barely noticed it unless he was looking directly at it. He still hadn't taken it off.

He still didn't know why.

James grabbed his glass and took a mouthful. He grimaced slightly and wiped the foam mustache from his lips, he cleared his throat, "We have to go see Snape."

Sirius drew his brows together – apparently he wasn't the only one who'd lost it. Peter wiped the butterbeer off his finger on his shirt, "Why?"

"He saw us last night." James clarified, "We had Moony with us, maybe Snape can help."

"Snape help?" Sirius scoffed.

"More like Snape maim and kill." Peter pointed out in a high-pitched voice.

James rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair, purposefully messing it up. "We got rid of him _and_ his gang last night, while wasted, I think we can handle him sober." He said coolly, before looking at Peter like he was an idiot.

Sirius cut in, "Obviously we can handle him." He waved a hand dismissively, "But it won't help. What has Snivellus got to do with Moony's disappearance?" As soon as Sirius voiced his question, he realised he knew the answer.

Snivellus could have everything to do with Moony's disappearance. They'd been so smashed last night, Snape could have easily taken Moony. He had been humiliated in The Three Broomsticks, he was pissed off that James was marrying Lily, and he'd always held a violent kind of hate for The Marauders. Sirius didn't put it past him to kidnap Remus.

But then, it did seem a bit extreme even for this new evil version of Snape. What could Snape possibly achieve by kidnapping Remus – except pissing off a hungover werewolf. Sirius shrugged, there was only one way to find out.

"Worth a shot." He said decidedly, watching Woody dangle over the edge of his glass to get to the foamy liquid, "Even if Moony's not there. I have some anger I need to work off."

James seemed both happy and disappointed with the answer Sirius gave. It became clear why he was disappointed when he pulled a shard of mirror from his pocket, and muttered, "Can't believe I'm doing this."

He wiped his face tiredly and tapped the glass three times. Sirius and Peter moved closer to James, to cram themselves into the mirror. The image of a young woman, with red hair tied into a messy bun, materialised in front of them. Sirius grinned when she narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the three of them, "What have you done?"

"Nothing." James said a bit too quickly.

_Rookie mistake,_ Sirius thought to himself when Evans pursed her lips. She managed to look even more suspicious of them – Sirius hadn't thought it was possible.

"We need Snape's address." James added before Lily could question them further.

Lily arched one groomed eyebrow. After staring at the three of them individually for a long time, she pinched the bridge of her nose, and in a long-suffering voice said, "James, I'm going to ask why you need Snape's address, and the answer had better not be 'to rub it in that I'm marrying you', understood?"

James nodded, and she asked, "Why do you need Snape's address?"

Beside him, Sirius saw James open his mouth, but no words came out. After what felt like forever, James shut his mouth with an audible clack. Sirius saw the flaw in their plan far too late. Lily waited patiently, folding her arms across her chest. Sirius had to say something, find some explanation that wasn't _oh he stole Remus, it's okay though, we're going to get him back. _

Before he could think up another explanation though, his mouth had already began speaking, "He stole... uh... something from me. I need it back."

Not technically a lie. He silently congratulated himself. When Lily's eyes flicked to his distrustfully, he put on his best I'm-not-lying-about-my-missing-boyfriend face and smiled. She didn't seem satisfied, and instead asked, "Where's Remus? Surely he can tell you this is a terrible idea."

Sirius cast a sidelong glance at James and Peter, "He's er... he's not well."

"Hungover." Peter squeaked in correction.

James jumped on the lie, masking his face with a confident, arrogant smile, "Yeah, you know Moony. Always was the lightweight of the group. Isn't that right, Moons?" James looked at the empty seat opposite him, safely out of Lily's eyeline, and laughed.

Sirius and Peter followed his lead and laughed at the empty chair too. The witches and wizards around them probably thought they were mad. First they talk to their reflections, and now they're laughing at a chair – only in a bar could you get away with that level of insanity.

Lily seemed satiated, she threw out her arms in annoyance, "You know what? Fine! I don't care, take it." She pulled her wand out of her apron pocket and waved it once at the mirror. Pink, flowy text appeared on the glass and Sirius used his own wand to copy it out on a coaster. Once Sirius had copied out the address, it vanished from the glass, revealing Lily's rockhard glare, "But listen carefully James Potter. If I hear you hurt Snape in any way, I will make sure you have boils _and _spots for every wedding picture tomorrow."

"Deal." James said.

"Love you." She added quickly, before disappearing from the mirror, leaving only their reflections staring back at them.

Sirius moved back to sit in his own seat, picking Woody up and putting him on his shoulder. Watching James stuff the mirror back into his pocket, Sirius asked, "_I _can still hurt him, right?"

"Oh yeah, definitely."

* * *

><p>Spinner's End was the definition of disgusting and unwelcoming.<p>

Sirius wrinkled his nose as he glanced up and down the street. Deserted, run down houses ran along one side of the road, and a dirty river ran down the other. He peered over the edge into the river and caught sight of several pieces of litter – including a dirty diaper, a softdrink bottle, and a shoe – floating in the murky, brown water.

It had been sunny when they'd left Hogsmeade and apparently, during their brief apparation, it had disappeared. A cold fog seemed to exist solely over this street and Sirius tucked Woody into his pocket to keep him warm. James kicked at a pile of glass, fallen beneath a broken streetlamp.

"It's like this place was made for him." Sirius muttered, watching a plastic bag tangle itself in a leafless tree. Sirius smirked at James, "So Lily grew up here, huh? Poor kid."

"Yeah, well, we can't all be lucky enough to grow up in Grimmauld Place." James countered.

"Touché." Sirius laughed, as the three of them approached the only house with a door still attached. The house itself looked like it would crumble any second and Sirius didn't want to spend any more time on this street than he had to. When James knocked on the door, and they waited for a response, Sirius whispered, "To be fair, Grimmauld Place could be a nice house. It was the violent, bigoted Slytherins in there that ruined it."

James knocked on the door again, harder this time. Sirius clenched his teeth. There was an audible shuffle from inside, but no one came to the door. Sirius shoved James out of the way and balled his hand into a fist. He pounded on the door furiously, the whole structure seeming to shake. "COME ON SNAPE! We know you're in there!" He shouted.

"Let us in before we break down your-" James's sentence was cut off when the door swung open. Before them, Snape stood in the doorway, wearing matte black robes, looking down his crooked nose at them.

He looked as slimy as ever; still completely missing the point of shampoo.

Sirius dropped his hand to his side and stood on his tiptoes, trying to see over Snape's shoulder. Snape pulled his lip away from his teeth angrily and moved to block Sirius's view. Sirius took this to be a clear admission of guilt. He furiously yanked his wand out of his pocket and aimed it at the space between Snape's eyes. The latter barely flinched.

"Where's Lupin?" Sirius spat.

Snape sneered, "What the hell would I want with that half-breed?"

"Call him that again, I dare you." Sirius growled through clenched teeth, a hundred curses bouncing on his tongue.

Peter pulled Sirius away from Snape forcefully, and James stepped between the two of them. Evidently not happy at having to be the bigger man, James pushed his glasses up his nose in annoyance and said, "Look, we've lost Remus and we need-"

Snape cut him off, "I don't care what you need, Potter. Why don't you go ask your mudblood of a-"

"Petrificus Totalus!" James shouted, at the same time Sirius yelled, "Slugulus Eructo!"

The two spells didn't seem to mix well, and together they ended up knocking Snape a foot into the air. He collapsed back down like a ragdoll, unconcious. Sirius grinned and stuffed his wand back into his pocket. James stepped over Snape carelessly and Sirius followed him into the lounge. He glanced back just in time to see Peter move Snape's legs enough to shut the door.

Snape's lounge was exactly as Sirius had expected. Full of dusty books, and yellowed newspapers. The ceiling was leaking and all his furniture was patched up in one place or another. James spun around in a circle before stopping to face Sirius and Peter again, "Don't tell Lily."

"He called her a... a you-know-what. I don't think she'll mind." Peter whispered, eyeing the room nervously.

Sirius pulled Woody out of his pocket. He placed him in his usual place on his shoulder and clapped his hands together, "Rescue party, go."

They spent the better half of an hour searching. Snape remained unconscious and if he didn't wake up when Sirius knocked over a few tables, well, that was his problem, wasn't it? Sirius could hardly be blamed for trashing the place, he was very clumsy...

To be fair, Snape was still in one piece. All his limbs were attached, his face was looking better than Peter's, and he'd probably – maybe – still have his memory when he woke up. After what he'd called Lupin and Evans, Sirius deserved a medal for his incredible self control. That didn't stop him kicking Snape's arm absentmindedly when he passed, of course. He laughed at the slug that was slowly trailing across Snape's face.

When Sirius had searched the entire house four times, he couldn't lie to himself any longer. Moony wasn't here. Another lead had lead to nothing. They were no closer to finding his boyfriend, and they had no idea where to go next.

Meeting back up in the lounge, the three of them looked disappointed. Peter rubbed the back of his neck, "This is useless."

Sudden anger flared inside Sirius, and he snapped at Peter, "We're not giving up!"

With a tired look, James grabbed both of their elbows and apparated them away from Snape's house.


End file.
